If only
by Wissler
Summary: If only you would feel the same. If only you would have noticed. If only I had told you... I'm so sorry Timmy.. Feel free to R&R   Rated M for future themes
1. Chapter 1

**If only I had told you**

_If only I had told you._

_If only I've had the guts to tell you._

_Timmy..._

It feels as if it was just yesterday, when we first met. When you were only ten, how excited you were back then when you first met us, jumping up and down filling the room with your happy wishes, laughing like you always do when you feel good about yourself, smiling that sweet innocent way you always do when you feel safe. How happy you were when you met us. When you first met me.

_When I first saw you._

Now you're 17, almost an adult. Soon I will disappear from your life and you will forget everything you ever knew about me, Wanda, Poof or any other magical being for that matter.. You will continue your life as a regular teen, believing you had a great childhood. Probably thinking that your parents cared about you and that they were the one who gave you everything we granted.

When did it all begin?

Since when did I start looking at you that way?

How long have I felt this way?

I don't know how, I don't know when, it just happened.

When I look at you my heart feels warm, yet my chest hurt.

_If only you would feel the same._

_If only you would have noticed._

_If only I had told you..._

We're watching the game together on that huge flat screen TV you just wished for. You could have just wished to go to the actual game, but for whatever reason, you didn't. Maybe it was because of me?

Wanda is in fairyworld with Poof and your parents are out dancing again, we're all alone you and me. You sit there in your big soft pillow-chair with your popcorn and your huge soda, staring intensively at the screen, taking in every single movement being made on the other side of the screen. Your blue eyes scan everything, every single movement, every single changement, every sound. Everything.

Suddenly, one of the players manages to get a hold of the ball, we both tense up excited about the incredible speed of the player. Your fists are clenched in excitement.

"Run!"  
>"He'll make it, Timmy! He'll make it!"<p>

"He better!"

And then, goal. You rise from your pillow-chair as your happiness reaches a whole new level. I swing my wand in order to fill the room with confetti and fireworks in celebration.

"We won! We won!"

You look so happy. It's impossible for me not to rise and cheer with you as well. It's like you intoxicate me with your happy cheery mood.

We give out our happy shouts and then you hug me overfilled with joy and satisfaction of your team finally winning a game. My heart beats louder and faster and that warming feeling fills me once again as I respond by hugging you back tightly. And I secretly wish it would never end, that I could hug you forever and ever.

_Maybe you would have felt the same if I had told you._

_Maybe..._

"Hey, Timmy. What's wrong? You look down."

I look at you playing your PSP waiting for you to answer.

"A.J is moving,"

I am shocked. "What? Why?"

"He's starting university next week.."

"Oh.."

"I'll be alright, it's not like I'll never see him again."

"Yeah! That's the spirit!" I say tying to get his mood back in a better cheery mood. "Besides, you still got Chester right?"

You smile.

"Right."

_I love the way you smile. It's beautiful._

_I love every single thing about you, even the bad things._

_It's what makes you into who you are._

_It's what makes you speciall._

_Unique._

_Timmy.._

"Cosmo.."

"Yeah?"

"Do.. Do you think it's disgusting for two guys... to like each other?"

"No, not at all." My heart is filled with hope as I hear your question. I cannot help but to hope that it's me, that you actually noticed without me telling. But it all shatters as you open your mouth to continue, saying those horrible words I so wish you would never say to me. That one thing I just don't want to hear, even if it's the truth. Because it hurt. It hurt so much.

"Chester and I are going out."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: ****There we have it, chapter one.**

**This will be my first fanfic with several chapters, I hope you'll enjoy it c:**

_**-Wissler**_


	2. Chapter 2

It's not like I didn't know. Oh trust me, I knew.

From the very first beginning, I knew.

It started after A.J moved. It was so obvious. Always there for me to notice. For me to see it, for me to know. There were so many signs.

The way you always smile around him, that special, beautiful smile. Only around him. 

The softness in your voice when you mention his name, and there it is again, that smile.

The tremendous amount of time you spend with him and no-one else, only him.

The way you look at him with your perfect blue eyes.

And the way his eyes look right back at you.

I knew.

And it hurt, it hurt so bad. As if someone was stabbing my already aching heart over and over and over again.

This time your eyes are looking at me, not him. Then again, he is not here. It takes me some seconds before reality takes me back, before I realize what you have just said, and I understand what you wait for, what you long for, what you fear I will not give you. Approval.

"Well, Timmy. You are free to go out with anyone you want." I force myself to smile before I continue. "Gay, straight, bi, it doesn't matter. You are still Timmy."

And I can see how you loosen up and relaxes again, how your stiffed shoulders slump back into

their normal relaxed position. I have given you the answer you longed for to hear for so long, ended your worryings, ended your silent suffering. All your troubles melt away and you smile a bit carefully, your _'thank you' _almost sound like a whisper in my ears. And I cannot help it, it's too tempting to resist, so I raise my hand in order to ruffle your soft hair into a complete mess. It feels like silk between my fingers.

"You are my godson, Timmy." I pause, thinking carefully, finding the right words. "And I love you more than anything."

You close your eyes and smile, almost nostalgic. I sometimes wonder how often I have told you those words.

"I know. I love you too, Cosmo."

_If only you could understand._

_If only your love for me meant the same as mine._

"Are you sure you want to follow, Cosmo? "

I look up from my attempts to tie my tie and look at you. You are correcting your hair in front of the mirror before you ruin it by putting on your pink hat. I find it surprising how you still hold onto that hat, after so long. I remember your question and nod. I seem to space out a lot lately.

"I love following you to school, Timmy."

I have always loved following you to school, there are so many memories I hold of those times Wanda and I would follow you to school.

How I loved to whisper things to you in class to bring you into a better mood.

How I loved that laugh you'd make in silence as I called Crocker yet another name or decided to copy his every line with a goofy yet similar voice of him.

How I loved those tiny yelping noises you would make every time Wanda would snap you out of your daydreaming or almost falling asleep.

"Besides, what if you need to wish for something really important and I'm not around?"

You take a last good long look at your reflection in the mirror. I have always wondered about your way of looking in the mirror. It never looks like you're actually looking at how you will look for the day, it feels more like you're studying your reflection. As if you're looking for something you cannot see with the naked eye. Something on the inside?

You then nod in agreement.

"That's true.."

And thus, I poof myself into one of the buttons on your jacket and we both leave for school.

I really enjoy that you stopped taking the buss, it gives us so much time to just think as you once described it. The fresh air is wonderful in the mornings. Sometimes, you would use your cellphone and pretend you were talking in it to be able to talk to me without seeming crazy, sometimes you'd hum quietly all the way, sometimes you'd just walk quiet and think.

It doesn't take that long before I understand why you seemed to uncomfortable and uncertain about having me follow.

He is already standing at the gate of school, waiting for you. And thus, I become the third wheel.

He waves at you and you give away that warm almost perfect smile as you wave back.

_I want it to be me._

_I want to be the one you talk to._

_I want to be the one to make you laugh.  
><em>

_I want to be the one._

I cannot help but to smile though, as you take his hand shyly and you walk into school.

Although it hurts so much.

But I cannot help it.

You look so happy with him. You look so confident when you're with him.

And it makes me happy to see you happy.

_Even though it hurts._


	3. Chapter 3

Almost every day. Almost every day you go to him. Almost every day he goes to you.

It's always the same. A_lways._

You both come home from school, you toss your bags in the corner as you enter your room. You will lay down in bed and make a comment on how school is killing you slowly and that Crocker will be written as your cause of death. He will comment something about Crocker, like his smelly feet or secret fetish for the classroom desk and you'll laugh that soft, almost angelic, sweet, perfect laugh that I cannot help to love so much. Although I shouldn't.

I shouldn't have any of these feelings.

But I can't help it.

I just can't...

My eyes are closed as I listen to your laugh while it grows slightly louder.

"Chester! Chester stop it! I can't breathe anymore!"

But he doesn't stop. His hands continues to tickle your soft skin. Then again, who would stop? Who would want to take your laugh?

Not me.

Not Chester.

And thus, he continues, thus you continue your laughter. Your beautiful beautiful laughter.

_Why?_

_Why must it be like this?_

_You could have been mine._

_If only..._

And then it stops, I can no longer hear your voice. It hurts. It hurts so much.

It's not because I can't hear your laugh. 

It's not because I can't hear your voice.

Not at all.

It's because I know why it stopped. I don't need to turn around to know.

I already know he's kissing you.

I already know he's touching your hair.

I already know that you're touching his cheek, kissing him back.

I know. I have seen it so often already. And it hurts every single time. How he holds you. How he breathes against your neck. How he drags in your scent that I long for so badly. Need so badly.

_Yet I cannot have it. I can't have you._

_I want to push him off._

_I want to yell at him, tell him that you're mine._

_But I can't._

_Because you are so happy with him._

You always came to me for advice. You could have gone to Wanda. You could even have gone to your parents. You could have gone to anyone, and yet you came to me. Sometimes I wish you would have gone to Wanda instead.

"Cosmo?"

I can hear how insecure you sound. You always sound like that when it's about him don't you..

"Yes? What is it, Timmy?"

You struggle for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. Finding the right words.

"Um..."

I don't try to urge you, I don't try to push you into answering. I will simply wait and let you take your time.

"Chester wants to...go further," you finally speak out.

"Further.." I start. "You mean...?"

You nod slowly avoiding to look directly at me. You are so easily embarrassed.

I swallow hard, I don't want to have this talk with you. I don't want you to get closer to him and further away from me. Especially not that way.

I hate having this conversation with you.

Still I give you advice on it. Still I tell you what to do. Still I try to help you getting even further away from me, closer and closer to him.

Make it go away.

I don't want this.

_I hate myself._

I used to have dreams at night, in which you never fell in love with him. Where A.J never moved away. Where everything was normal. Where you would always come to me before going to him.

I would wake up in my bed, and as I realizes it was only I dream, I will secretly curse and wish it wasn't.

Let him be sick today.

Let them have a fight.

Let them break up.

My wishes were nothing but selfish desires that would hurt you. Selfish needs that I would keep locked inside myself. But I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help it.

Never did I think there would come a day where I could feel hate for a child. But I couldn't help but to hate him. I hated him so much for taking you away from me.

Every day would be the same, it drove me crazy.

"Cosmo..."

"Timmy? Timmy what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"..."

"Timmy..?"

"Chester broke up with me.."


End file.
